Is your child ready for sleep coaching?
“Is my child ready for sleep coaching?” This is a question I hear quite often from parents. There are many factors to take into account when you are considering starting sleep coaching for your child, not the least of which is “Are you ready?” I am always clear with parents that making a change in your child’s sleep behavior is something that you have to be fully ready to do and ready to commit 100% so that you will be willing to follow through. Sometimes this means that things will have to deteriorated to a place that feels bad enough that you are willing to put in the work to make the necessary changes and improve your circumstances. If things don’t feel so bad, often that isn’t enough of an incentive to make changes. If you aren’t ready, that is fine too. That just means that it may make sense to wait for a while until the timing feels better and/or you are at a place where you feel ready to be consistent.
What to think about before you start
Beyond how you are feeling about your situation, there are some practical things to take into account before starting sleep training. Here are a few:
Is your child old enough? There is no science that supports sleep training children under 4 months of age. This is because babies younger then this, don’t often have the internal resources to calm themselves from an escalated state if their crying intensifies. Some babies are able to start working on the skill of putting themselves to sleep when they are younger, but much of this depends on their temperament and how easily they can be put down awake without escalating to crying in order to practice the skill in the early months. Most children are developmentally ready by 6 months—this would be adjusted age if your child is born early. The earliest I work with families is 18 weeks due to the fact that I want to ensure that your child is past the big developmental leap that happens for many babies around 4 months. In some instances, when working with families of babies between 4 to 6 months, we might take intermediate steps towards sleep coaching in order to determine if a child is ready to begin soothing and regulating himself.
Do you have a good stretch of time ahead of you? Behavior change takes time and consistency. Travel or other big disruptions like moving or visitors who might not be supportive of the process are going to make things more challenging or potentially derail the process. I typically ask that parents have at least 2 week’s time to be very consistent with a baby and 2-3 weeks for a toddler/preschooler. Once your child has their new skills mastered, it is very possible to “take sleep on the road,” but it is best to have an established pattern first. Children of all ages are aware of changes to their environment. Some are more sensitive to these changes then others. When you are focused on being consistent, it is often best to not be wondering if the change in surroundings is making it harder for your child to fall asleep or back to sleep. Not to mention, if you are on vacation with other people sleeping in close quarters, you are going to be more sensitive to the sounds your child is making in the middle of the night out of concern for waking others.
Are you and your partner on the same page with making these changes? While sleep coaching is sometimes something that one parent does alone, it is always nice to know that you are “in it together.” This process is certainly made much more difficult if one parent is opposed to sleep coaching. Not only is that not someone who is going to be helpful, but this could sabotage your efforts. One parent responding in one way and then the other responding differently is confusing for children and often leads to more crying. As children get older and move into toddlerhood, they very quickly understand the differences between one parent’s response and the other and will start to “play favorites” in order to attain the response they want. This can make the experience of sleep very difficult if one parent is attempting to be very consistent and follow through and the other one is caving to demands.
Often when moms are nursing, I will strongly encourage the non nursing parent to do the initial days of coaching as the association between feeding and sleeping is typically very strong. In many instances, we do maintain some night feedings, but when working on changing feeding and sleeping associations, it is very helpful when it is not the nursing mom who is the one to respond to a child at a time when he or she expects to be fed. In these instances, it is extremely important that both parents be on board.
Is your physical environment conducive to sleep coaching? While this may not always be an issue, sometimes babies are born at times of transition. We don’t always get to choose the best time for a baby to come into our lives. Maybe your family is in the midst of a move. Maybe you don’t actually have a crib or a separate sleeping environment for your child to sleep in even though your goal is for him or her to sleep separately from you. Often it is helpful to think about what your timeline is for having a different environment. If a change is on the horizon that would make it easier for your child to have their own sleeping space where they can sleep independently, then sometimes it makes sense to wait for all your changes to have taken place and for everyone to be settled in the new environment.
Need more help?
By taking all of these considerations into account before you are sleep coaching, you are setting yourself up for the ability to be the most consistent. Sure, life isn’t always nice and orderly and predictable. That is often the case when children are involved as chaos more easily seems to ensue. With some basic planning and thinking about your circumstances, you can be in a better place for starting to make these big behavioral changes. Overall, this tends to make the process smoother and minimizes crying due to the fact that you won’t have to start over again at any point as a result of disruptions. Should you need helps sorting out all the variables involved or just need further guidance in general as to how to help your whole family start sleeping better, feel free to contact me for your free 15 minute evaluation.